Week 10/11 Storytelling: Riddles of the Goblin King

Author's Note:

Okay, so I apologize for the length of this one right off the bat.

This week I read Ryder's Twenty-Two Goblins. For those of you who don't know, the text is about a king tasked with carrying a goblin back to a monk. But of course, there's a twist; along the way, the goblin entertains him with twenty-two different stories. At the end of each story, the goblin asks the king a riddle, which he must answer or his head will explode.

So you'd think I would choose to write about one of the twenty two stories; I thought so too. But the most fascinating aspect of the story for me was actually the main part with the King, the goblin, and the monk. That's the part I wanted to explore.

So I did just that. Instead of twenty two stories, I just picked the three I liked the best. I elaborated on certain details and summarized the rest. The stories as presented here are much shorter than they appear in the actual text (so go read it!), and I changed some details around as I saw fit.

The goblin's final story remains unanswered in the original tale. That didn't sit well with me, so I spent a day mulling over the riddle and came up with an answer I liked.

Because of the sheer amount of story I wanted to cover, my writing became quite long (sorry, not sorry). I have taken the liberty of splitting up the narrative into two parts, each fairly close to a thousand words. Don't worry, you'll know when you reach the end of part 1.

Enough rambling!

Riddles of the Hidden Goblin

To King Vikrama, the gnarled ficus looked like any other fig tree he'd seen. The King kicked idly at its base, waiting for his guest to arrive. Why the monk chose the cemetery for their meeting spot, he would never know. The soil here was old and decrepit, and made weak sustenance for a tree. The trunk shook and rattled under his kicking and dropped a few figs onto the graves beneath its branches. The King picked one up and split it open with his blade.

Spooky graveyard fig 

"You will find them quite delicious, I assure you" said a voice from behind.

Vikrama turned to regard the chubby tantric monk, Vamachari. Unlike most ascetics, Vamachari did not seem to favor the vow of a sparse diet.

"The fig you gifted me this afternoon contained the biggest sapphire I've ever seen," King Vikrama explained. "I had to be sure."

"Oh, this is the tree from which I plucked that fruit, most assuredly, Your Majesty."

The King held up the normal fig in defiance and beckoned the monk to explain himself.

"You underestimate my talents, Your Grace. One must be well versed in the tantric rites to coax the tree into surrendering its secrets."

"Teach me."

"I most certainly can. The Jewel Bloom Mantra is really quite simple, when you get down to it . . . But, and there is a 'but,' I must ask a favor of you in return."

"I swear to grant it, whatever boon you might seek."

"Very well," said Monk Vamachari. "Journey deeper into the cemetery. There you will find a tree, very much like this one, only with a body hanging from the lowest branch. Do not fret for this particular lost soul. Bring him here to me and I will teach you the incantation and you shall have jeweled crowns and rings the rival of all your peers."

And so King Vikrama undertook the tantric monk's quest. Soon he came across the tree the monk had described. He cut the dead man down and heaved him onto his back.

"Hey hey hey, what's the big idea?!"

King Vikrama shrugged off the body and drew his sword. "Who goes?" he shouted.

"I should ask you the same thing!" said the voice again. "Who are you, huh, wise guy? Thinks he can just waltz into my home and act like he owns the place?"

"Your . . . home?" The King squatted beside the body. The dead man's jaw was hanging ajar, and inside it Vikrama thought he could make out two glowing red eyes. "Goblin! You're a goblin, inhabiting the bodies of the dead and playing tricks upon the living!"

"How very clever," the goblin said. "Someone deserves a medal. I am actually the King of the Goblins, I'll have you know. Ryder's the name. Now if you could kindly put my home back on its branch and be on your way. Honestly, I was just starting to get the place the way I wanted . . ."

"Oh, no," said the King. "You're coming with me." And he scooped the body back onto his shoulder and carried him off.

"Fiend!" the goblin shouted. "Vandal! Let go of me! You're taking me to that wretched Vamachari, aren't you?"

The King gave no reply, so the goblin began chanting, working his blood magic.

"There!" Ryder barked from within the dead man. "A curse upon you! Since you are oh so very wise, I have imparted a curse on that brain of yours. You must listen to each of my stories. Then you will answer each of my riddles. If you cannot answer, your brain will burst into a thousand pieces, each of which will occupy a different dismal corner of this world. Hahaha!"

The King said nothing, for there was no need. He understood.

Ryder, from inside the corpse's throat, cleared his own. "Long ago there lived three monks who were all in love with the same woman. They were brothers, see, and brothers have similar tastes. The woman loved them each in turn, and could not decide which brother to marry.

"Ah, but fate decided for her. She was struck with a terrible illness and fell dead. Aggrieved, each brother handled the loss in his own way. The first brother built his home on top of her ashes and pledged never to leave her side for as long as he lived. The second brother pledged to see her safely to the afterlife, taking her bones to the Ganges to purify them. The third brother set out to wander the world in search of a way to bring her back."

"And what do you know? He found it!The Necronomicon, a magical book he stole from a powerful hermit. He used the book to resurrect his love and all three brothers rejoiced. But oh, wise King, which brother ought the woman to marry, the first, the second, or the third?"

King Vikrama dwelled on this for some time. "The first," he finally said. "The second brother did as any monk should, and purified her spirit. The third left her when she died to wander the world. Had he not discovered the book, he would have moved on. But the first brother vowed to never leave her side. He gave up everything for her: his freedom, his life, even his soul. He is her true husband."

"Bah! Beginner's luck," Ryder hissed. "Riddle me this! Long ago a king such as yourself came about a powerful demon while hunting alone. In exchange for his life, he promised the demon that he would grant him any sacrifice he desired. The demon requested the king bring him a seven-year-old boy, pure of mind and body. He also requested the boy's parents hold his legs and hands while he gorged. Pretty sick stuff, eh?"

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End of Part 1 

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"So the King scours his kingdom in search of such a boy. He offers gold, titles, and lands to any parents who will come forward. Eventually, he finds just such a family and they all return to the demon's cave. The boy's mother takes his hands, his father holds his feet, and the king stands above him and calls to the demon. And the demon sees this and is pleased.

"Now, what does the boy do? Does he cry and beg for his life? Does he pray to the Gods for salvation? No! The boy takes one look at all this and laughs! He laughs so true and so deeply that the demon feels ashamed and retreats back into his cave. The king too feels shame, and crowns the boy king in his stead. His parents are so guilty they run into the cave after the demon in the hopes he might eat them instead.

"My question is this: Why did he laugh? Just what was so funny?"

King Vikrama scratched his chin. This was harder than the previous. "Because he realized the absurdity of it all." He finally understood. "The King was willing to sacrifice a child to save his own life. The parents too were willing to sacrifice their son to better their own lives with wealth. And the demon, he too was afraid to lose his life, and had to eat the souls of children in order to avoid death by spiritual starvation. Out of everyone, the boy was the only one who did not fear death. He was the only one willing to sacrifice his life. When he realized this, he could only laugh, and the others became ashamed."

"My, but you are a clever one." The goblin sounded like he was fast becoming annoyed by the King's answers. "But my last puzzle story will stump even you! Not even I know the answer to it!"

"Long ago there was a King, and a Queen, and a beautiful Princess. But the King was betrayed by his advisers and killed in a nefarious plot. The Queen and her daughter escaped to the woods and wandered in search of safety to the edge of the kingdom. Now, two hunters, a Father and Son, soon came across their tracks. The Son said to the Father, 'Now see, there are the women for us. I will marry the one with the small feet, and you the large. Since Mother died, you have been terribly lonely.' The Father agreed, and together they set out in search of their brides.

"They soon discovered the Queen and Princess living in a cave in the forest. Even unwashed and clothed in brush, they were beautiful, so the hunters married them on the spot. But alas, the Princess, though very beautiful, had feet like an elephant. And her Mother, though her beauty was refined with age, had the delicate feet of a shrew. And so the Father married the Daughter and the Mother married the Son. So I ask you, wise King, when each married couple has children, of what relation will they be to one another?"

The King thought on this for a long time. He thought and thought and could not puzzle it out. Would they be siblings? Cousins? Aunts, uncles, half-brothers or half-sisters? Vikrama's head began to spin.

"Aha!" Ryder chortled and sneered inside the dead man. "Stumped are you? Prepare to have one doozy of a headache!"

"Wait," King Vikrama said. "I have an answer for you, goblin. The children of the father and daughter and the children of the mother and son would be friends."

"Friends? I guess you weren't as wise as I thought! Relations, dummy. You misunderstood the question."

"I understood perfectly well," said Vikrama. "The children would doubtless grow up very close. Whatever their familial ties, they would be related most closely by the bond of friendship."

"Drat!" The goblin crawled out of the dead man's throat. "Why isn't your head exploding? Could that mean . . .?"

"He's right."

Vamachari stepped out from behind the fig tree. Vikrama had been so distracted by the goblin's stories, he hadn't even noticed they'd arrived back at the start. He caught the goblin by the the throat and threw it down in front of the tantric monk.

"You have done me a great service, Your Majesty."

"And what of your promise? Teach me the spell, Monk."

"Oh, it really is quite simple. Believe hard enough, and the jewel will be there."

"What? That is no answer. Teach me the spell, Vamachari!"

But the chubby monk ignored him. Vamachari instead grabbed the goblin's head and pulled his mouth open, reciting an ominous mantra under his breath. He stuck one leg down Ryder's throat, and then the other. Soon, impossibly, he was up to his sizable waist down the goblin's gullet.

Open wide!

Vikrama could not believe his eyes. Instinct told him to grab his sword. "What madness is this, Vamachari? Explain yourself!"

"I will explain nothing!" The tantric monk had now completely disappeared down the goblin's throat. "Soon enough I will be the King of the Goblins, and then even you will be nothing but my royal subject! The whole world will become my kingdom!"

Unluckily for the future King of the Goblins, King Vikrama was fast on his feet. He ran up to the tiny, convulsing creature and he punted Ryder with all his force against the trunk of the fig tree. He held out the palm of his hand and a single fig fell into it, as he knew it would.

He believed.

The king jammed the fig down Ryder's throat, much to Vamachari's muffled protestations. The goblin sputtered and began to choke. The sapphire that was lodged in his windpipe was too large to swallow. It blocked Ryder's throat and choked the life from him. Monk Vamachari was trapped inside the goblin's stomach with no hope of escape.

"And thus to false priests and meddlesome creatures," King Vikrama declared, plucking a fig from the tree and taking a bite. "You were right. It's delicious."